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Life is a constant course correction. Spirit brings us to our awakening through a series of adjustments that I think of as course corrections. Without your course correction the ego will seem to crush you with it’s unbending will.
As I shared yesterday in my Spiritual Espresso, I reached a point where I was desperate to try to MAKE THINGS HAPPEN and I made a last ditch effort to try and make my life be what I thought it should be. I could not succeed in the world by being identified with the ego. It would not be possible for me. It’s not possible for anyone. If you push yourself to succeed in the terms of the ego/world, it will all be taken away from you, or so it will seem. What we truly desire is not of this world. Let us choose what we truly desire and suffer no more.
For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it. Matthew 16:25
What followed was a number of years where I had great swings of emotion. I had times of tremendous sadness. I was giving up my view of the world that I’d clung to my whole life. I was grieving the loss of who I thought I was, who I thought I would be, and many of my core ego beliefs. I was reorienting in all of my relationships, including my relationship with myself.
I had been, in a sense, IN LOVE with the illusion of what the ego could make. I had been living in a future fantasy in order to avoid being awake to my feelings. Now, that fantasy was falling away. I had no idea how to make things happen. I had no idea how to be happy if I couldn’t make things happen.
I wanted out of this life, but didn’t have a way out. My relationships were not what I thought they were. Even in relationship with many of my closest friends and loved ones, I was lost. I was discovering that I’d been hiding from myself.
I experienced huge waves of emotion that were overwhelming to me. I would crash down in fear, sadness, anger, hurt, betrayal and then suddenly I would experience a wave of Joy that I’d never known before. It was dizzying.
I still had all the habits of being fiercely opinionated, judgmental, controlling and manipulative, but now I was seeing how futile they were. I started to realize that I had ruined my life by doing the very things that I thought were supposed to make me successful. I didn’t yet know how to be consistently loving and compassionate.
My inability to be loving and kind in my thoughts was horrifying. I was addicted to thoughts of attack. I had built my identity around feeling protected by attack thoughts.
At the time, I lived in Manhattan and I remember walking the streets, running in Central Park and riding the subway while contemplating my situation. I was so disillusioned with life in the illusion. I didn’t fit in anymore. It was a time of great changing and shifting for me.
Now, I can see that I was shifting from living in the dream, identified with the body, and forcing myself to make it work to being able to see myself more as Spirit and less as a body. I had to give up my attachment to the illusion, but I didn’t know that was what was going on. I just felt lost and defeated. It felt like everything that mattered was being taken away. Including my belief system.
Fortunately, this process allowed me to let Love in to my heart and life in the form of romance and new friends. It seemed very slow and painful at the time, but a major shift was taking place. It was the beginning of the end of my attachment to the illusion. Stay tuned for more in this series of inspiration about Waking Up!
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