Relationship Hell

September 23, 2018
Relationship Hell

There is a way out of relationship hell into healing.

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Relationship hell? I’ve been there. I’ve explored it in many ways, traversing the downs and way-downs of it. When I was younger– as a child, a teenager and until about age 30– I would get so angry that I felt what I describe as a murderous rage.

I’d become so upset, so threatened, and so afraid of being hurt that all I could feel was fury and desperation. My upset was like a hurricane, searching for some way to calm down, but only picking up speed and becoming more and more dangerous. I would frighten myself, I’d be so upset.

I’d become so loud, and mean, and desperate, without any self-control, that I’d rage until I was too tired to continue. Reaching exhaustion was the only thing that would get me to stop. My family’s or boyfriend’s attempts to control me would only make me infuriated. It was awful.

Once exhausted, I would collapse into a puddle of my own despair. I’d be consumed by self-hatred and fear of myself. It was all proof that something was horribly, uncontrollably wrong with me. I was beyond hope– or so I was convinced.

I learned to accept that this was just who I was, what I was. I felt like a bad seed. I felt like there was some kind of demon in me, and that terrified me. That fear was so intense that I couldn’t handle any kind of criticism or teasing. I learned to be very focused on self-preservation.

What I can understand now, that I didn’t understand then, is that it was extremely important that I learn how to have no other authority. I needed to be my own authority. No one could boss me around or intimidate me. When I was younger, it meant that I was always in a fight with the people I was rebelling against.

Now, I can see that I wasn’t really a rebel at all. I was maintaining my sovereignty. When I finally reached the point where I could make Spirit the authority in my life, and really listen to that still, small Voice, I had the ability to walk in the world without being pulled this way and that by other people’s opinions. My mind was able to be strong and focused, following Spirit’s guidance.

Historically, if you look at many of the mystics, you can see that they appeared to be rebels, too. That wasn’t their intention. It just looked that way.

Unfortunately, I went through many seasons of relationship hell where I felt completely unlovable. I felt excruciatingly bad and wrong so much of the time – but that didn’t stop me from acting out. I was frequently mean and cruel in defense of my insecurities. Now, I have a great compassion for people who behave that way, and I can really help them to break out of it.

I learned to try to control everything around me, constantly monitoring, to keep from being manipulated and controlled by others. I learned to always be on the offense as my best form of defense. It was exhausting.

I was constantly cleaning up the messes I made in my relationships, or just walking away from them. Many bridges have been burned, and many have been blown up.

I don’t ever wish to go back again in my past. I don’t look back anymore. Instead, I continuously ask the Higher Holy Spirit Self to help me harvest all the Wisdom from my experiences.

What I learned is that I was constantly repeating my same upsets and errors because I was holding grudges. Holding grievances prevented me from learning from my experiences, because I always thought I knew what everything was for.

When I learned to forgive, to give up my meaning for everything, then I could discover what things were really for, and harvest the Wisdom they brought me. Eureka! It was a way out of hell!

The most amazing thing I’ve ever learned is that true forgiveness heals deeply. True forgiveness heals long-held mental and emotional patterns in a miraculous way.

A Course in Miracles promises us that the Holy Spirit will undo all the consequences of our wrong decisions, if we allow it. The thing is, most people feel so guilty, and believe that they should be punished, and so they won’t allow the consequences to be undone. Yet, no matter how long we’ve lived in that mindset, we can shift in an instant. We can get out of hell.

I’m so glad I figured out how to ALLOW all the consequences to be undone, and to rescue my relationships. I know this is a repetitive theme of mine, but I feel I absolutely have to keep sharing what is so precious to me – and that’s the realization that when we hold the highest and best for our relationships, that’s exactly what comes to pass.

I’ve been a spiritual counselor since 2000. That’s 18 years of counseling individuals and couples. I’ve been teaching classes and leading retreats for 21 years. In all this time, with all of these people, almost everyone I’ve ever worked with was experiencing some kind of relationship upset that was rocking them to their core.

ACIM tells us that relationships are the #1 tool we have to heal our mind and wake up. Let’s do exactly that, starting NOW.

Like me, many people have been so completely brought to their knees, or flat on their face in the manure, by their inability to maintain relationship harmony – and the meaning they make of it. This need not be.

Forgiveness is a miracle tool. It’s not magic. It’s miraculously healing, and that’s an entirely different thing from a temporary magic fix.

Miraculous healing lasts.
It’s permanent healing, because it’s at the level of the mind – not the level of the personality.

This isn’t behavior modification or anger management – it’s true and lasting healing.

This isn’t self-improvement, because we don’t need improvement – we only need to let go of that which is false.

Hey, I still get annoyed on a regular basis.
I don’t get angry like I used to AT ALL anymore.
I don’t ever go to the place of thinking that there’s something wrong with me.
That’s completely over.
And that’s what I am holding for everyone.

As a counselor, I’ve worked with people who’ve felt way beyond any kind of hope, and they have been transformed by the healing of their mind.

They had to be willing.
They had to ALLOW the healing to take place, to call it forth, accept it and receive it. It’s not magic. It takes real willingness. It’s not a passive thing. It’s active willingness.

We cannot hold onto complaints and expect miracles.
We cannot hold onto grievances and also energize the highest and best.
We have to choose which way to go.
We can learn through pain or we can learn through miracles and Joy.

The holidays are coming.
It’s a time when we can either re-energize the old hurts, disappointments, regrets, guilt, blame and shame – or, we can decide to be a healing presence in our relationships.

We can repeat the past, or we can call forth a renewal and restoration.
It’s our choice.

I’ve been teaching forgiveness for 18 years, and it’s been a great learning to me. I continue to be AMAZED at how forgiveness transforms EVERYTHING, including our physical pains.

In my retreats, people have consistently experienced healing of chronic physical and emotional issues because of the deep healing work we do. That’s why I continue to offer these retreats.

If you’d like to really let go of the past, consider joining with me and other like-minded souls this October. I’m offering my Forgive & Be Free Retreat and my Spiritual Counseling Training Intensive next month. You’re invited to our healing party!

In my year-long Masterful Living class, people tell me on a regular basis about their relationship healing and their physical healing, too.

I don’t consider myself a healer, but I do feel that I’m a healing presence. Where I once was utterly convinced that I was a really bad person, I now know that there are no bad people. We’re all good and beautiful people who can sometimes get convinced that we’re bad, and then act that way.

When someone feels unlovable, they don’t have much to lose, but what little they do have they can’t afford to lose. They will defend themselves through attacking. Think of a wounded dog that’s been so hurt it doesn’t trust anyone.

When we can’t trust ourselves to be loving or kind, even when it’s really important to keep from ruining our relationships, then we can feel completely unworthy of Love. We’re not, but that’s how we feel.

Forgiveness is the only thing I know of that heals back to the root cause of things. When we ALLOW the healing back to the root cause, whatever that might be, in this life or any other, then we’re free forever! That recalibrates our whole life.

Now is the time to make a commitment to forgive EVERYTHING and let our ability to fully give and receive Love be restored to us.

No matter what we’ve done, no matter what has been done to us, we can be restored at the level of the mind. From the mind, it will ripple into all of our relationships and experiences, even into every cell, fiber and function of our physical, and emotional bodies as well.

Let’s get active with the forgiveness.
Let’s become experts at it.
Let’s deeply commit to truly heal by allowing the Holy Spirit to undo all the consequences of our wrong decisions – even the ones we don’t recall. The Holy Spirit can heal it all.

In my classes, I invite people to PROVE that God works. That way they KNOW, they really know.

Doing this work now, we can have completely different experiences this holiday season. Let’s get out in front of this.

We don’t have to carry the past into the new year. We can put our attention on the things that cultivate joyful, happy learning and living.

Any healing we do for ourselves, we do for everyone. Let’s take the lead this Fall and get ALL of our forgiveness done.

Forgiveness is the #1 tool for awakening, for healing, for liberation. We can prove that forgiveness is liberating, and then we’re modeling it for everyone.

I’m choosing liberation. How about you?

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