How I Healed my Nightmare

November 8, 2020

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Have you ever lived in a house divided? I was blessed that my parents were always united even when they went through some difficult times, as most people do. There were many times when I was the one divided from everyone else in the family, feeling like I wanted to separate myself from the family.

I remember what it was like to feel that strong sense of separation from my loved ones even while I was living with them. I felt very angry about it and I let everyone know it.

I felt angry because I felt so threatened and so overwhelmed.

When I was a teenager there were many times when I would get VERY upset. I would become like a raging inferno of separation and all I wanted was to be hugged, held, loved, accepted, but I didn’t know that. At the time, I felt like I wanted to burn the house down and take everyone with me down in the fire.

Why did I feel so angry? It was all about control. It was all about not getting my way. Having to do other people’s will was an outrage to me even though I was a child. Being held accountable was unbearable. All of these things were ego threats.

To be honest, I can barely remember what I was thinking at that time, only that I felt this uncontrollable rage – and that it was humiliating to be so out of control. The only thing that ever really stopped it was exhaustion. I would physically exhaust myself.

So, I feel like I understand some of what some of the people in the USA might be feeling now. My feeling then, as it appears it is for some people now, was:

If I can’t get what I want, it’s like death. If I don’t get my way, it’s like I’m being viciously attacked. If I’m going to die, I’m taking everyone with me. That’s your punishment for not doing what I want. You don’t matter, only what I want matters. I have to take care of myself or I will be killed.

I really did feel that way.
It didn’t feel like a choice.
It felt like I was stuck inside a pattern I didn’t make and couldn’t get out of.

It was HORRIBLE for me.
It made me feel so out of control and I wanted to control everything, that was the problem. My core issue was needing to control everything and have it be my way.

Then, because I’d start judging everything around me that wasn’t to my liking as being wrong, bad, untenable, I wanted to tear it all down. It was an affront to me at every turn.

All of my judgments did what judgments always do, they increased my disconnect from Spirit, from Love, from anything that could restore my sanity.

It was a vicious cycle.
I had no idea how to get out of it.

As I got older, and had my own home, I began to feel more in control and that did help me stop having the intense arguments and meltdowns, but I would have them later with boyfriends.

It wasn’t until I realized that trying to control was one of the most basic issues I had. I had to hit a bottom where I could see so clearly that I was ruining my life and my relationships and then I could find the Love in my heart that is my strength and I could see the value in giving up that habit.

When I was trying to control everything, I wasn’t very good at receiving help because I needed to be in charge all the time. I thought I knew how to do everything best.

Now, so many years later, I’ve really learned the benefit of being vulnerable and getting the help of others. It sure wouldn’t work to be a spiritual teacher who wasn’t a good receiver. Plus, I have so many wonderful surprises and new adventures when I’m following the lead of other people! I LOVE that.

So many blessings have come to me because I stopped trying to control everything.

I’ve given UP the control – given it to my Higher Holy Spirit Self and the more fully I do that, the happier I am and the easier my life is.

I’ve learned that it takes a village to raise each one of us. We ALL need a lot of Love and support to do this well.

And yet many people, many, many of us do not have that Love and support. And folks will act out so badly, because they feel so hurt and deprived. Then they are hurtful to others and then they feel completely unworthy of Love and respect.

They don’t feel worthy of even the most basic kindness.
When they don’t feel worthy of kindness, they don’t attract it, won’t receive it, and can’t receive it.

That’s when the ego identification is SO intense – and that’s where I was. I worried that I was a fundamentally evil person. I was in survival mode.

And that’s why I’ve learned ways to help people who feel SO unworthy and separate from Spirit, because this has been MY journey – and I didn’t get it from a book.

I cannot believe that anyone of us is beyond hope. If we believe that, we don’t know the power of Love and the power of prayer. I do know those powers.

I know that Saul met Jesus on the road to Damascus and he had an experienced that changed him from Saul the persecutor of Christians to Paul the champion of Christianity. That can be anyone of us. Truly.

We must pray for the situations in our life that feel unhealable.

We must Partner UP with Spirit and put Spirit in charge and stop trying to control and evaluate how the healing goes.

We must be willing to change our minds – and to really do the work.

Walking the talk is a way of life. At first it seemed really hard to me, but I learned how much EASIER it makes every day. The problems I had in the past are gone. I haven’t felt that pain in decades.

I thought I was stuck in those patterns for the rest of my life.
Like the person who feels stuck in any difficult situation, I used to feel that it was just something I had to accept.

I’ve learned this:
Don’t accept a future you do not want
Don’t plan for a future you do not want
Don’t hold in your mind the inevitability of a future you do not want

What we think about, we bring about.

All healing happens at the level of the mind.

Let us become intolerant of mind-wandering.

I started out like a toddler running everywhere and knocking things over, but I grew up, and I learned to help others with real compassion. My nightmare became my blessing, and I hope, in some way, that it’s your blessing too.

I’ve made a free video series about healing and spiritual awakening for those who are interested in signing up for the early bird waitlist of my year-long Masterful Living program. The series is all about Walking the Talk, & Living the Love and I’m enjoying making it! Click here to get access to the video series.

Click on the picture below to check out my video series:

Don’t Miss Out! You can also sign up for the early bird waitlist of my Masterful Living program – Masterful Living is my year-long program that begins in January. If you’re interested in Walking the Talk and Living the Love with me next year, then I’d like you to know I’m doing something extra special this year to offer additional support for next year’s participants. If you think you might like to be a part of my year-long program, sign up for the early bird waitlist!

NOVEMBER:  Are you interested in Spiritual Counseling or just developing your relationship skills? You might be interested in my Spiritual Counseling Training Intensive November 15 to 21st. I’ll be doing this intensive training in-person (in New Hampshire where there’s very little virus) and, for the first time ever online – so you can join from anywhere. If you’re curious, but not sure, book an exploratory call with a spiritual counselor to learn more.

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I did a Q&A for anyone interested in my Spiritual Counseling Training Intensive – click here now to register -I’ll be sending out the replay soon!

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TODAY, you can join me, and Jennifer Paskow today. We’re coming together to share our inspiration in many ways. We’ll have a spiritual celebration together with message and music – we call it Sundays With Spirit. Please invite your family! If you can’t join us, you can catch the replay! Because we’re going to be live on video, you’ll have to register to get the details. All are welcome, there’s no charge, but you do have to register, unless you’ve already registered in the past.

When you register, you’ll also get easy access to past services with Jon Mundy, Lisa Natoli, David Hoffmeister, Maureen Muldoon, Corinne Zupko, Maria Felipe, Frances Xu, Jimmy Twyman and more. If you’ve already registered for a previous Sunday – you don’t need to register again, you’ll get a reminder with the details automatically.

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