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I used to go through periods where I judged myself to be the worst of the worst. Seriously. I was talking about this in the Stop Playing Small retreat.
One of the most painful things in my life was repeating the same relationship experiences. I’d have the same arguments with the same people, and I’d be left feeling hopeless and helpless to dig out of the hole I was in, so I’d just give up and dig the hole deeper to punish myself.
We all have our own particular ego vices and devices. When I was REALLY threatened, I’d find any kind of an attack thought to throw at people to let them know to stay away from me. I’d say unkind things and feel out of control. It was demoralizing.
My uncontrollable upset behavior was just the proof I needed to convince myself that I was a total loser and there was no cure for what I had. I’d feel so upset it would be like my whole being was on fire – it was. I was feeling the destructive burning of my attack thoughts. I was feeling the searing pain of my false beliefs being “proven” yet again.
I had a desperate need to be right ALL of the time, to mask my insecurities. I couldn’t handle any kind of judgment at all. When I’d start judging myself, I’d implode with desperation.
My life went on like that for decades.
I made a decision that I didn’t wish to live that way anymore.
I didn’t know how to make the change. I really didn’t.
But I was determined to not give up and to turn it over to Spirit to solve for me.
In the midst of the retreat this weekend, I was reminded that I’ve almost completely eliminated all negative self-talk. Whenever there’s a “problem” and it seems as if things aren’t going well, I’m so grateful that I don’t fall into that old hole anymore. There’s no self-judgment no matter how hard it is for me or how many times I seem to fail.
I really, truly didn’t imagine I could ever eliminate negative self-talk.
I never thought that was possible for me. Maybe for someone else, but not for me.
Catch this: Because I now know it’s possible, I can help others believe it’s possible. They’re healing so much faster than me because they believe it’s possible for them. It took me decades to get to that place. Now, folks in my classes get there in a fraction of the time.
I thought I could improve my situation, but healing didn’t actually seem fully possible for me. I was too far gone. I was so obviously on the outside of “good.” That’s what I believed, and because I believed it I felt it was true and I saw evidence of it EVERYWHERE.
I now know that forgiveness was the key to my transformation. Forgiveness is still the key today.
Forgiveness is a miracle in the mind.
All healing happens at the level of the mind.
Then the healing makes its way to the rest of our lives, showing up in form.
And miracles show up in form too!
We resist doing the forgiveness because it feels so intimidating to look at the intensity of our thoughts and feelings. I was SOOO reluctant to do that work. What I see for most of us is that we resist until it becomes so painful we can no longer stand it.
Pain is a great motivator.
And I don’t wish to be motivated by pain anymore.
I’d rather be pulled by a vision of healing relationships and enjoying every situation and feeling secure and safe ALL of the time.
One of the main things I’ve realized is that unforgiveness, resentments, and regrets, are major blocks to our healing, our abundance, our relationship transformation, and our physical healing. Not only that, but unforgiveness blocks our intuition.
Without the ability to listen to our intuition, the ego is in charge.
Without the ability to be truly guided and inspired throughout our days, we tend to repeat the past.
As a spiritual counselor, I often talk with people who have reached a point of no longer being able to tolerate the pain. We wait until things get so bad we can’t stand it anymore and then we are finally willing to look for a solution.
I did the same thing.
Now, I’m grateful because I can really understand much of what people are going through and I can support them in breaking free of those painful patterns. I was sharing some of the things that helped me the most in this week’s episode of my A Course in Miracles Podcast.
This is precisely why every day I write inspiration and record a prayer to go with it. You can join me today and every day in cultivating the willingness that raises us ALL up so we can be truly helpful in this world. Today’s prayer is for Eliminating Negative Self-Talk and you can click to listen and pray with me now!
There’s a whole lot of healing going on and I invite you to become a forgiveness expert – it’s SO worth it. Forgiveness is free and it’s the most beneficial tool we have!
I feel truly blessed now, my life has changed so much. I feel completely different from how I used to feel. I’m so grateful that Spirit cannot possibly fail. When we work with Spirit, we can’t fail either! Universal Love is always for us, and we do have to let it in.