No Advice, Please!

September 17, 2023

One of our agreements is not to give unsolicited advice.

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In our Power of Love Ministry we have certain baseline agreements. We have a Credo that we hold with each other and it’s very supportive to everyone in our community.

One of our agreements is not to give unsolicited advice. That’s unusual.

I’ve been in spiritual community for decades and one of the things we spiritual students do is we give a LOT of advice.

In fact, as a spiritual counselor for more than twenty years, I am a professional advice giver. People specifically come to me for my advice. The difference is that the folks who come to me are soliciting it.

Some many years ago, on two occasions I gave my Dad some spiritual-ish advice and he didn’t appreciate it. He let me know in no uncertain terms that he didn’t want my advice.

I knew instantly that wanting to give advice that wasn’t asked for means I’m being judgmental. If I’m giving advice that no one has requested, it must mean that I believe the person can’t figure it out on their own and needs my help. It’s patronizing. And no one likes to be patronized.

It took me two times with my Dad before I really learned the lesson. It’s a good thing to learn. It’s helped me so much because as soon as I started offering my Finding Freedom From Fear spiritual bootcamp, and then the Masterful Living program, I made the “no judgment, no advice” part of our fundamental commitment to each other.

As a result, hundreds, and I do mean, hundreds, of people have told me they’ve never been part of such a loving community. Judgment blocks the flow of Love because it immediately takes us into ego and opinion. We cannot be loving and judgmental at the same time. And that’s what bothered my father. It’s what bothers all of us.

Unsolicited advice can be condescending.

Sometimes giving advice is very tempting. I’ve learned to say to folks, “I have some experiences with situations like yours, and if you’re ever interested in my thoughts just let me know.” Sometimes people are very interested and sometimes people say, “I’ll let you know.” They’re not interested in that moment. I’m completely happy and also grateful to not share suggestions and ides, examples and information with someone who has no interest. I don’t need to talk to hear myself talk.

Now, let me say this – I have prayer partners that have been my prayer partners and besties for more than 25 years. We’ve been through thick and thin together. We give advice all the time because we have a SPOKEN agreement that we’re receiving all advice from each other – and none of it’s judgmental. We point out things that someone doesn’t see or doesn’t remember and give suggestions because we know the person so well.

We know they have the intelligence to figure out whatever they need to, and we are a team. We’re a circle of Love that is always kind, always loving, always truthful and caring. We have each others heart’s desires in our hearts. We speak from the place of honoring what their goals are, not our goals for them – and that’s the difference.

The lesson I also have learned with my Dad is that when he does wish for my advice, he asks for it. He’s direct, we make a time to talk, and I give him my thoughts. He’s receptive. I find out what his goals are, and advise him based on that. HIS goals, not mine. He usually tries out my suggestions and reports back that what I shared was really helpful. That’s healthy, healed relationship. Dumping my advice on him isn’t.

As a professional counselor and a minister for so long, I’m crystal clear of two things:

When people would like my advice, they can ask for it, and they do. I offer to share if they’re interested in knowing my thoughts, because sometimes folks don’t wish to impose on me.
When people ask for my thoughts on something, they’re ready to receive it. Their willingness is there. That’s better for them. If we just dump our advice all over them then they don’t have to rise to a level of willingness. Their willingness is the one and only requirement to have a healing, so I can wait for their willingness.

I have to say it, we’ve co-created a WONDERFUL and AMAZING and BEAUTIFUL spiritual community together! I love it so much. I love how we’re ALL becoming more our true selves every single day and our Credo helps us.

I love the way we love each other and care for each other.

Having a community that’s truly helpful, and available 24/7 is so supportive. All day, every day there are gatherings for prayer, meditation, healing and remembering to laugh.

Giving up the judgments allows us to create a safe space for people to share. I remember last year there was someone who came to Sundays With Spirit for the first time. Folks went into the breakout and they shared, “this is the first time I’ve ever turned my camera on because it’s the first time I’ve ever felt safe.” (TODAY we’ve got our inspirational Sundays With Spirit, come and join in and celebrate Spirit together with community!)

What makes it safe is Love and compassion. Judgment never helps.

Let’s not annoy people anymore by condescending to give advice they’re not asking for.

Let’s know that they can figure it out without us, and we’re here to support in the ways that are truly helpful.

Let’s make a quantum leap together. If you’d like my help developing a spiritual practice of Self-care that clears out the old patterns of past beliefs in order to move out of the unconscious guilt and punishing yourself, blaming others, living like a victim or a martyr, feeling guilty and ashamed, and into feeling more connected with Spirit, please check out my Finding Freedom From Fear Spiritual Bootcamp class – it’s designed to be a rocket booster for your spiritual journey.

If you feel you’ve been holding yourself back and letting fear decide, this might be your answered prayer!

Not sure if one of my programs is right for you? You’re invited to schedule a free Exploratory Call with one of our certified spiritual counselors to get your questions answered and see if this retreat can bring you the results YOU would like!

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