What I am noticing is that the time of healing is getting increasingly intense for all of us. People are melting down and flipping out.
For those who are fully committed to being loving and compassionate, it does get easier and easier. Still, there’s not one of us that isn’t being energetically pushed to give up the habits, beliefs, and patterns that keep us playing small.
In my own experience, I noticed a pattern that repeated itself for many years until I finally broke out of it.
My pattern was this:
I would get triggered by something. Something would happen that felt like it was wrong and bad. It felt like a betrayal or a loss. I would start to ruminate on it, building my case like a lawyer gathering evidence for the dark side of my personality. I call it making “resentment stew.”
I would continue to stir that pot and eat from it, day after day, strengthening my case to argue about the unfairness, the blame, and my resentment. It was as though I was constantly arguing my case before God, looking for God to make me right and to make THINGS in my life right.
It took me A VERY LONG TIME – many, many years, to realize that the daily consumption of “resentment stew” was driving a whole sequence of things – it was part of a very intense pattern.
Here’s what I learned:
The making of the “resentment stew” would lower my vibration, which made me unable to see many good things that were available to me. I literally couldn’t see them or receive them because I wasn’t a vibrational match for them. Instead, I became a vibrational match for things I DID NOT want happening in my life.
My choice to ruminate on what I didn’t like and didn’t want just brought more of it into my life, because like attracts like.
Then I would find myself withdrawing into isolation and self-medication in order to drown out how I was feeling and, of course, lowered my vibration even more. It gained me even more time to ruminate on what I didn’t like and weave the web of attachment to upset.
There were times in that stuck place of self-medicating that I would literally think “This is all I have. This momentary distraction and fake pleasure of self-medication, the numbing of my mind and senses.” It was the only thing I was “enjoying.” I lost track of what real enjoyment, pleasure, and happiness were. My whole perspective got skewed and twisted.
I knew it was self-sabotage. I hated myself for it. I felt compelled and addicted. AND, because of focusing so much on resentment and revenge, I didn’t have the strength to lift myself out of it. My negativity made me weak. Like Superman and kryptonite – our resentments and judgments make us weak.
It is a dangerous and slippery slope.
It felt like I was caught in a whirlpool that was pulling me down, further and further. I wanted so much to live a spiritual life – to get God’s Seal of Approval and goodness, and it would seem further and further away.
The pull of the negative pattern was SO STRONG.
I remember thinking this thought “When I die from being stuck in this pattern, they should write on my gravestone – ‘She tried, she really tried, but she just couldn’t do it – the pull was too strong.'”
I couldn’t see the pattern until I was willing to take responsibility for it. I had to stop blaming others for how I felt and where I was in my experience. When I finally became honestly willing to commit to giving up my attack thoughts – the judgments and opinions, and all the attachments to the meaning I made of things, my interpretations and what I thought was right and wrong – that’s when things changed for me.
Because of my willingness to look for loving thoughts and to stop energizing the unloving thoughts, I learned that true gratitude raises my vibration very quickly. It was a relief to be grateful and raise my vibration!
I learned to be grateful for everything and to practice it as part of my spiritual practice ALL DAY LONG. I began to trade the constant judging attack thoughts for being truly grateful, and that led me to see that I am the one who is responsible for everything in my life.
I learned that everything serves a good and holy purpose in my life – everything. And, I learned to accept that fact with gratitude, even when it didn’t make any sense for me. And I learned to ask for help from the I AM Presence – the Higher Holy Self.
I realized I was never upset for the reason I thought, and I was always upset when I didn’t take responsibility and didn’t choose gratitude. It was pretty simple, really. Phew! I started to see some light at the end of this birthing tunnel.
Gratitude raises us up so we can see and hear and feel and know more clearly the truth that sets us free.
The most challenging and torturous situations in my life became a Godsend. Literally. I couldn’t see that until I was willing to see it. (This is why I say: You gotta wanna.) The intensity of my challenges gave me the PRESSURE COOKER to be vigilant and change my mind 1000 times a day.
I began to be grateful for everything, even when it felt like my heart was breaking and my mind was at war with itself. That pressure cooked me, and I began to live a miraculous life — because of my willingness.
In the last 19 years of counseling, teaching classes and workshops, and leading retreats, I’ve experienced a lot of miraculous healing and I’ve witnessed a lot of miraculous healing. My offerings are about doing the work – rolling up your spiritual sleeves and getting to it – in the community – with like-minded souls who also have some degree of willingness.
Together we wipe away the shame, reluctance, resistance, self-hatred, and the stains of all the mistakes of the past. A lot of the time it’s not easy. It requires attention and willingness. It rocks our world. And, it does bring a miraculous life – a life of miracles, unfolding Joy and Beauty. It’s a fact.
Sometimes the 3-D world of form seems so intense. I call it density, because that’s how it feels when we’re stuck in the muck and mire. What we don’t know is that the density becomes so intense to get us in order to squeeze us to finally make a decision to do things differently. It’s like the pressure that is put on a piece of coal to reveal the diamond that is possible. It’s like a birthing.
Birthing is never easy, never pretty. It’s always quite messy. There’s screaming and crying and pain.
We all have a diamond heart we’re giving birth to. We can discover it willingly and gratefully or with tremendous pressure, or we can give up and come back later. It’s up to us. It’s our choice. This world is about choice.
Rev. Michael Beckwith introduced me – spiritually – to the wonderful Christian Mystic, Dr. Howard Thurman whose writings have been an inspiration to me. I share this with you now as an offering of inspiration to remember you are true diamond heart nature:
The Moments of High Resolve
“Despite the dullness and barrenness of the days that pass, if I search with due diligence, I can always find a deposit left by some former radiance. But I had forgotten. At the time it was full-orbed, glorious, and resplendent. I was sure that I would never forget. In the moment of it’s fullness, I was sure that it would illumine my path for all the rest of my journey. I had forgotten how easy it is to forget.
“There was no intent to betray what seemed so sure at the time. My response was whole, clean, authentic. But little-by-little, there crept into my life the dust and grit of the journey. Details, lower-level demands, all kinds of crosscurrents – nothing momentous, nothing overwhelming, nothing flagrant – just wear and tear. If there had been some direct challenge, a clear-cut issue, I would have fought it to the end and beyond.
“In the quietness of this place, surrounded by the all-pervading presence of God, my heart whispers: Keep fresh before me the moments of my High Resolve, that in fair weather or in foul, in good times or in tempests, in the days when the darkness and the foe are nameless or familiar, I may not forget that to which my life is committed.”
Keep fresh before me the moments of my high resolve. ~ Dr. Howard Thurman
In this time of birthing, don’t give up. Keep fresh before you the moments of your high resolve. Call upon the Higher Holy Self to lead the way and bring the Light. Find like-minded souls to go through the journey with. Give yourself extra support, tenderness, and care. Begin to speak to yourself with words of Love, “Darling, you can do it, you ARE doing it. Sweetheart, you have what it takes. Everything is for you and nothing is against you. You already are perfect Love.”
Now is our time, now is your time. You DO have what it takes – it’s pre-installed and cannot be damaged or removed. The Kingdom is within, seek first the Kingdom and ALL else will be added unto you. A little gratitude and willingness will turn the tide today. It always does.
Every day I offer “”My Shot of Spiritual Espresso”. I write spiritual inspiration and record a prayer for our healing. Prayer is a power tool for our liberation. We use technology to transcend time and space and deepen our spiritual practice and connect with each other. Our spiritual practice is our path of liberation. And that’s beautiful to share!
We’re all on a journey of expanding awareness, and there’s so much help for us in the invisible. We’re never alone. I Love you, and I thank God for you. We bless each other with our willingness to rise in Spirit and come back into our right minds.